This month, I learned a lot about light. In my professional endeavors, I learned some critical lessons that greatly improved the quality of my work. These breakthroughs were pivotal in making huge strides forward, and increasing my confidence as an artist. I learned to be more observant of the way light falls across faces. I learned how to slow down, giving me time to see things more clearly. I learned that I needed confidence to use time as a tool. I learned how to stop, breathe, and focus on what it was I really wanted to capture, before clicking my shutter.
Day 39: Pressures were building, mostly in my own mind. I had to get better, faster. Several aspects of logistical photography were frustrating me and I was feeling all kinds of pressure to put in more time and effort. I had said since the beginning that this was only a hobby... something I did during nap time so my children would never feel like they came second. Somehow, even though I was doing my best to stick to that, I felt like my mind was often somewhere else, and I was rushing through my once cherished routines with them to focus on the part of my life I couldn't get my mind off of. I was frustrated with the situation, and with myself.
My husband, who always knows exactly what I need before I do, handed me a pad of paper, and walked out the door with the kids. As he left, he said, "You are only overwhelmed until you write it all down. I will go get dinner. Don't move from the couch until you have everything written out on paper."
At first I was tempted to ignore his advice and creep back into my computer to feed my frustrations and work on my projects. But thankfully, I took his advice instead. As I started to write, my direction became clear. I had the thought to make a clear list of my priorities, and number them 1-10. Photography (along with other hobbies and activities that feed my creativity and mind) came in #6. Then I made another list, of everything that I wanted to accomplish in the next several weeks. That list totaled around 40.. just off the top of my head. Then I numbered each item on my list with it's corresponding priority number. Almost everything came in order 6-10. Only a few things made my top 5. Suddenly, I felt calm again. I realized, or rather remembered, the things that were frustrating me and making me feel inadequate were not what defined me. I went back to the basics. I started over, recreating my days and weeks from the ground up. I put the most simple, routine, and by far most important priorities at the top (including my own daily spiritual growth and the needs of my husband and children). I found myself much less rushed, and much more engaged. I found myself enjoying story time again instead of quickly moving through it. I found I wanted to stop whatever I was working on to look my children in the eye when they wanted to tell me something. And I didn't try to multi task when my husband walked in the door tired, and wanting to tell me about his day.
I firmly believe that a woman's role does not end with giving and serving her husband and children. There is more to my heart and mind, more to my potential, and my abilities, than ONLY playing that role. Yes, it's true that who I am does not end with being Otto's wife, or Eli and Alayna's mother. But it does and should BEGIN with that. Being a mother, and wife... it's a full time position. It's something that never ends. It's an ongoing responsibility that I can choose to put as much or as little into as I wish. Mothering can be as simple as babysitting, if that's what I choose it to be. I believe treating mothering a little like babysitting is something we have probably all done at some point. But what I remembered in full force this month, is that mothering my little ones is what I was born to do. It is my most important calling, my life's most noble work. It is not what comes after my goals and ambitions are realized. It is my goal and ambition. Everything else can stay safely in it's place.
Slow down, see things more clearly. Gain the confidence to use time as a tool. Stop. Breathe. Focus... remember what I really want to capture.
All of us need these reminders from time to time. Life is an endless exercise in recalibration and balance. It is not as simple or straightforward, nor is that balance the same for every woman and every family. For me, it was one simple reminder from my wise husband that helped me recalibrate and rediscover the joy in all of the simple things again, as I learned a way to refocus on what my most prized possessions look like. And they don't look like my D3100. They look like this:
What a wonderful February! Happy March!!!
