Back in the Saddle

Right out of school, I knew I wanted to be an ICU nurse. It wasn't a decision that came easily, but once it came, it stuck. Like, forever.

For three years I battled day shifts, night shifts, weekend shifts, Christmas shifts away from my family, and everything else that comes with the brutality of medical schedules. I prayed almost constantly that I wouldn't kill anyone, and I sometimes had to keep glancing at my badge that said "RN" all the way into work, and then all the way through my shift to remind myself that I was capable of handling the responsibilities I had. After about a year, my confidence increased, and so did my exhaustion. I remember distinctly one day, listening to a friend tell me all about his hiking adventures from the weekend, and all I could think of was, "I wonder if I'll ever have enough energy to want to go hiking again." After three years I had come a long way in my career. I was now a charge nurse, and running my own regional committee centered around patient safety and involving managers of all regional ICUs. I loved it, but I decided that it was time to bring it to an end, and do something a little more "family friendly" in preparation for my upcoming marriage. So, I switched to Home Health, and left behind the ICU and all of it's memories and experiences. One of my dear friends, a nurse practitioner on the unit wrote on my goodbye card, "When you get bored, we'll still be here." I laughed and told her that wouldn't happen.

About two weeks into my home health career, I came home and told Otto that 9-5 was heaven, and I did not miss the physical, emotional and mental drain of the crazy, hectic, holding people's lives in your hands, ICU.

Two weeks after that to my surprise, and for the remainder of the year, I spent all of my time longing to be back in the throws of the chaos and the challenge, and the craziness.

Nine months later, with all the courage I could muster, I went and spoke with my old manager, hoping she wouldn't hate me for leaving previously. To my relief, she was glad to hire me back PRN, which was perfect since I was expecting a baby four months later. After jumping through several hoops, I walked back through those doors in my green scrubs, nearly a year after I had left and immediately felt I had come home.

I was overwhelmed by the response from coworkers, who at least pretended to be as glad to see me as I was to see them. It almost felt as though I were attending a party with old friends instead of being at work. I relished every second. I came home feeling that old familiar feeling that I had been run over by a bus. Ah it felt good!

Now I am signed up for just two shifts a month, often times I only work one of those, based on the census of the unit. Today at work I was told that I could start charging again when I was needed to cover for a charge nurse. How unfair is it, that I get to have it all? All the glories and experiences of my old job, with only enough shifts a month to make it fun? Most importantly, I get to do what I love OCCASIONALLY, so I can do what I love MOST (taking care of my sweet baby) full time? How unfair is it that I get the best of both worlds? Life is so grand.

So here are a few pictures (old as they may be) of life on the unit:

Although these pictures may appear as though life in the ICU is leisurely, there is a reason why I only have four pictures from the last four years. In the ICU I sometimes work 13 hours without stopping to eat. I clean up every body fluid you can think of. I get kicked, punched, spit on, slapped, and yelled at. I mop up blood, perform chest compressions, and manage several life support machines at once. I help people live, and I watch people die. I hold hands of frightened patients and family members. I teach every opportunity I get.

And I love it. I don't do it full time anymore. Crash carts and IVs are second place now, and my stethoscope and badge have to be dusted off from time to time. This is because first and foremost, I was born to be a mother.

Second to that, I was born to be an ICU nurse. Today I worked 2 1/2 hours, and then came home to hold my baby. I'll work one more time this month while his daddy spends the day with him, and spend every other minute with him. It really isn't fair... I have everything I ever wanted. Life just couldn't be much better than this.